The last week of May is here. It's starting to feel like summer a little outside. Some days it's hard to stay at work, like today when it was 78 degrees and low humidity...go outside to smoke and never want to go back.
I have had a hurdle this past week to get over. I had my first fall after my knee surgery on Memorial Day. I was really feeling good that day. My daughter was at work,and I was cleaning like crazy. I had a bag of trash to put in the outside can, and it was pouring rain, but I didn't care. It needed to go out.
So I stepped out onto the deck and went down like a ...well, I don't know what I went down like! I just know that it only took a second, and I thought for sure that $50,000 had been wasted on my left knee. Well, long story short, I was able to get back inside, and I was really upset. Called my daughter at work and scared her half to death. (I don't think she'll ever forgive me for that!) and called the doctor. On Tuesday, I had xrays done, and my implants are fine. I just bruised the knee, and what a relief!
Thing is, it was really getting me down to once again be in pain. But I was determined to get past it and start doing things again. I gave myself a couple of days to rest my knees, and then I started getting up and doing again. I am happy to say that today I feel fantastic, even better than before the fall, and I'm once again looking forward to working around the house and getting my life in gear!
But I don't recommend falling...it freakin' hurt! =)

Checkup

Had my 8, 9, 10...some week..checkup yesterday. It was a really good one. I don't have to go back to Dr. B for 3 months and if everything is ok then...never again...well, for 20 years or so anyway! I had him show me my first x rays. The ones he took way back in July 2008 when he gave me that terrible news that I was going to have to have surgery..and not just on one, on both! I cried all day. I was so scared! But now, almost a year later, I walk without pain! Anyway, back to the x rays. It was amazing to see those knees all bone-on-bone and bent inward. I was all knock-kneed and crooked and didn't even realize it. Then he showed me my knees now. It was amazing! They are even and straight and, well, titanium...but they are no longer bowed inward. I walk straight now. I hardly ever spill my coffee at work when I'm walking back to my desk. It is an awesome thing. I thought for years that I would never be able to live a day without pain again. Even though my knees still have aches in the muscles cause they are both still healing, it's not PAIN...it's not "oh God let me sit down before I pass out" pain. It's not "sweating-with-the-effort-of-just-standing" pain. It's just pain that will get better. I'm so happy I got brave enough to go ahead and have the surgeries. I have $100,000 knees now! lol. So, for insurance, I am also VERY thankful! So...I have to get off the computer now. I have clothes to wash (in the basement!) and trash to take out, and just walkin' around the house to do! TTFN!

Better Now

Ah, faithful readers...thank you for allowing me the little backslide into depression on Sunday. I am grateful I was able to share what was in my heart. Now, I am grateful to be able to share the brighter side of this life.
After spending all day yesterday sitting on the couch (I think Bill was off in Boot Camp..) and thinking of all the things that have come and gone, I have come out the other side into the sunlight! This is totally cool because A) that's where I need to be and B) since it only took a couple of days to get back, that means that I didn't slip so far back after all! This is a GOOD thing!
At work, things are pretty much SSDD..mergers, acquisitions, insurance companies, please hold for the next available representative, etc. So, we won't talk about work here today.
Home, on the other hand, has improved dramatically in just a few days. I have done some things over the weekend that I never thought I'd be able to do. I walked around Walmart for an hour, walked around Kroger for an hour, and today I walked around Aldis for 1/2 hour. I had enough stamina to do this and still come home and put up the groceries! This is an accomplishment! This is the beginning of saving the world! I bought pansies, petunias, geraniums and they are sitting on my porch in the sunshine giving off life and beauty and bringing me happiness every time I look at them.
The dishes are washed, and I am going to make something deeeeelishus for dinner!
Even though two days ago, I felt really down and depressed, by the middle of the day yesterday (I took a "mental-health" day....translation: called in sick) I was beginning to see the good things that are happening to me.
Rome wasn't built in a day, and I won't get to where I want to be in a day. But I'm on my way now because I know I can do this! I can make my life worthwhile, and overcome the negative feelings that I have had in the past.
So, Billy Boy, you go off and save the world. I am going to stay here and BUILD a world. It's gonna be faaaaaaaantastic!

Stripes

Stripes...Bill Murray...loser joins Army...saves the world. BUT,before he saves the world, he drives a taxi cab in New York City. He quits his job, but remembers the pizza and his girlfriend's dry cleaning. Unfortunately, everything gets dropped and dirty, when he gets home and his car is being repossessed, the pizza sticks to the box top, the dry cleaning gets dirty and his girlfriend has had it. She leaves. He flops on the couch and says, "..and then, depression set in."


This is how I have been feeling lately. I survived not just one but two total knee replacement surgeries. I am recovering just fine. But I have fallen back into an old thinking pattern that I thought I had a handle on long ago.

In my dreams lately (when I sleep long enough to dream!) I am running. I am playing games in the yard with my daughter. But the main thing is, my dreams match my life in that there is NO PAIN. Then I wake up. The pain in my knees is minimal. But when I'm awake, I realize the truth. I will have to lose alot of weight before I will ever be able to run. So nothing has really changed yet. This is the same reason I was never able to make myself lose weight before. I felt like I would go through all the weight loss and nothing would change. I would still be the same inside. So, I've had this surgery, and I have no more excuses. I can walk, I can exercise, I can do the things that will really and truly change my life. I am scared to death, I really am.

It's not that I feel like I'm horrible inside or anything. I think I'm pretty damn awesome and I'm really proud of myself that I have overcome the handicap of being fat AND mostly crippled to get as far as I have in life. I have it in me to be everything I am meant to be if I'll just get off the couch and do it.

But right now, I'm flopped on the couch with Bill feeling sorry for myself and wondering if all the plants are gonna die. I'm not sure how I will handle it. I can't join the Army. I can't quit my job and do something else in this troubled time. I have the house I've always wanted, my daughter is getting herself together, my cats love me...what more do I need? A man? Not right now. Not till I get past all this, because I know how easy it is for me to slip right back into the "nothing matters" part of my psyche.

So...how will I handle it? I will wash a few dishes. I will take the trash out to the curb. I will walk (slowly and carefully) down the basement steps and do my laundry. I will fix something decent to eat. I will get up, go to work, and I will walk without limping. Then maybe I'll feel more able to make a screen for my back door, dig up the dead bush in the front yard and plant my lilac bush, pull the weeds in the flower bed and plant some bulbs for next year. One step, one day at a time.

Get off the couch with me, Billy Boy. We are off to save the world....eventually.

Life is what happens....

Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans. - John Lennon

So...I was making other plans. My house was a disaster area because I was still recuperating from knee surgery. But I didn't care. I knew it was going to get better. I knew that eventually I would feel good enough to get up off my ever-expanding ass and do something about it.

But life happens, and now my daughter has moved back home. The house is worse than a disaster! There is stuff everywhere and now it looks like we just moved in. I have decided not to stress about it, and am trying to come up with "other plans" so that it will end up being a good time for us two grown-ups to spend together. Not to mention it's like starting from scratch and it's time to rearrange furniture!

First of all, let me say that I am not upset that my daughter has moved back. She tried so hard, but she was really doing it all on her own. Her roommate was, unfortunately, unable to find work. Then the person they were renting the apartment from decided she didn't want that to happen anymore and basically kicked them out. So my daughter is back, and SHE is upset about it. But I think everyone knows that it's the best thing to do. It is temporary and we both know it.

Second, I know it's going to be difficult for her now that she has had that taste of freedom to be back home living with mom. I am planning on staying out of her business as much as I possibly can, and I am planning on continuing on with my "plans" to start crafting and painting, just like I was before. I NEED to do that! I need to make things, to make clothes for myself, and crafts for people to buy. I am hoping that this bump in the road will be just that...a molehill, not a mountain.

Third, I'm glad to have the time this summer for the two of us to maybe get this house in shape so that when she leaves next time, I won't be so overwhelmed with the things that need to be done. Seems like everything was such a rush last time when she moved, we didn't get a lot of things finished. So, with her helping me a little, I will feel much better about things when she moves the next time.

So all in all it's a good thing. And if it's not, well, I'm determined to MAKE it a good thing. Because this is life...the plans are still there, but life is happening now. Thanks, John, for those words of wisdom.