Happy New Year?

I have to say as I begin this post, that everything I said in my New Year's post is true. I still believe every last word. That is why it is so hard for me to admit that this New Year so far has not been good at all. In fact, I am suffering from some of the worst depression I've had in a long time. Not exactly sure why, but I am trying to put my finger on it.
I started out the year with car trouble. Car trouble always sucks, but when it's below zero wind chills outside and I have to rely on others to get me to and from work, then it gets stressful. I was so stressed out all week that today I didn't go to work. I wasn't sick...physically, anyway...but I just knew somehow that even though my car would most likely start, I needed to stay home. I woke up and called in to work, sat down on the couch and proceeded to sleep (sitting up!) until 1:15 when my sister called to make sure I was alive. Thank God she called or I might still be sitting there snoozing even now. (12 hours later)
Hopefully, there won't be repercussions from my being out today. If there are, I am willing to accept that. Because I think I figured out something.
I don't know how to live without being in pain! For the past 7 years or so, I have lived with this constant crippling arthritis pain in my knees. It has been my reason, and sometimes my excuse, to not do much of anything. Now, I don't have that pain. I have no reason to not do the things I need or want to do. I have spent the past couple of months sitting in front of this computer playing all manner of mindless games just like I did before. Not to say that there's anything wrong with playing games, but in my mind I'm still a cripple. I still tell myself I can't do things. This is a huge part of my problem, my depression. I need to tell myself I CAN do it! Having my knees replaced has turned my life around, yet I keep looking back. I cannot do that any more.
I have to start right now, today, doing things that are difficult. Doing the things that I used to put off because I hurt. I think over the years I just got lazy (er..)and now it's just a struggle to not be lazy anymore. I can do this. I know I can...I can actually reach my bootstraps now to pull myself up. Today is the day. Things are going to change, and I hope that in a few weeks, I will be able to post here that they have indeed changed. There are other things I have to deal with, of course. I don't like my job, I'm lonely, I don't make enough money. But these are things that will take care of themselves in the passage of time AFTER I learn to live with my new physical UNlimitations!
Keep pulling for me, friends!

Happy New Year!

Well, it's 2010. I don't think that much is like the movie 2010, which is something for which we should be thankful. It's so funny...it's just another day, January 1. The sun rises just like it does every other day. The weather continues as it was on December 31. The bills that were supposed to be paid on December 28 are still due. Nothing really changes. Yet in my mind, it is like closing a finished book and putting it on the shelf. Then another book is opened, waiting to be explored. I asked a guy yesterday if he had a good Christmas and New Year. He shrugged and said, "It was just another day." And...he's right..it was just another day. So what makes January 1 so different? We do. We make it different. In the minds of those of us who choose to celebrate this "just another day", it is an official time to start over. Whether with resolutions or, as with most of the people I have talked to, a time to get rid of a not so great year and start a new, more promising one. I have made resolutions, but have decided to defy tradition and not start most of them til January 4. I am cheating! But one resolution that I have already begun is to be more positive about my life. I don't want to have a Pollyanna attitude by any means. But I've learned that what we think is what we are. So if I believe that I can make things different, then I can. It's the belief part that is difficult, though. Start small, I guess. Baby steps.
For instance, "I hate housework" has been my motto for years. My house, unfortunately, reflects that motto. My messy house, in turn, makes me feel depressed, which makes me feel bad about the rest of my life. Eventually I get to the point where I just ignore the mess, and just allow myself to get more and more depressed. Today I looked around and thought, I need for Neicy Nash to come see me!! I need to be on Clean House! I am happy that my house isn't THAT bad yet, but I made a vow this morning that I'm going to make my house back to a nice place. Me. Not Neicy and Matt and Mark and that whiney Trish...eek...Me. I am going to start small and do the things that need to be done. And I will do them for MYSELF. Not for anyone else. After all, I am the one who lives here. I have said for the past few months that it doesn't matter what it looks like because I am the only one who sees it. Well, am I not worth seeing a nice place? I deserve to have a nice place. I've worked hard to get it. So it's time. (I just realized, though, that instead of being in there cleaning, I'm in here writing...lol..oh well...)
So, my one resolution that I am beginning right now is to believe that I am deserving of good things. As with most good things, I will have to take the first step, and that is what I will do.
So, why do we celebrate a new year? Because it is an official opportunity to start over and make the life for ourselves that we want to have. It is the time when we decide to change our attitudes toward something that we have allowed to color our lives gray and dingy. Wipe away the soot from the windows and see the sunshine. It's very possible that the thing we have allowed to do this will still be around. Even so, our thoughts can change so that we aren't colored by this thing anymore. We can paint our own picture. Not Pollyanna by any means, and certainly not with feigned ignorance...but it is amazing the difference just one positive thought can make in a situation. One stand against the negative can make the next stand easier.
I know I will be tested on this. I will win some, I will fail some. I may not know what your situation is like. But that's the whole point. We each have to make the choice. I'm scared, believe me. I have things that I need to face that no one knows about, as do we all. I am afraid of the failure. But I'm tired of waking up every day and feeling like I'm worthless. I am NOT worthless. YOU are not worthless. If we all lived like we were worth something, would our world be better? I think it might.
My thought for the year:
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, my friend, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end. ~ Carl Bard

Let's make it a good year!

Christmas 2009

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

It was a good Christmas. No snow really to speak of here in central Indiana. A slight dusting, enough to make the road a little slick, and the back porch a little icy, but other than that...definitely not a white Christmas.

For me, it has been a difficult season. My first season in 26 years where I didn't have my daughter home helping me decorate, watching It's a Wonderful Life with me, cooking Chicken Cordon Bleu (for the last couple of years!) with me. It's been strange. I almost didn't decorate past the village, but I realized that I needed to. I needed to have that Christmas spirit, even if it was only for myself. Why? Well, for one thing...I don't want to turn into a Scrooge. I haven't really lost my daughter. She has just grown up. It is as it should be. I raised her able to leave, and that's good. It's been lonely, but she is just a phone call or a visit to her work away. She still wants to see me, talk to me. She isn't mad at me, she is just..well...a grown up! She has begun making her new life for herself, and I am so proud of her I don't know what to do!

Part of my problem, of course, is that I didn't take any time to make sure that I grew up enough to live on my own. Sounds kinda funny, but it's really true. When your kid is running around and getting into things, you think they can't get out of the house fast enough. But my girl is a joy to be around and I guess I just never let myself think of her moving out. So weird. Makes me sound rather clingy, which I guess I have been. But I'm working on it. I don't want her to dread to see my name come up on her caller ID, or to make excuses to not come around. So, I give her the space she needs. I called her today just to say hello. She talked to me for a few minutes and my day was made! Now I can start taking down the Christmas things, and I can watch a couple more Christmas movies, and smile and sing while I do it. Sometimes all we need is a reminder that someone loves us. These moments have to be cherished. Life is fleeting, as is time.

Remember, each of us is someone's George Bailey. There would be an awful hole in their lives if we had never been born. This year, in addition to being YOUR George Bailey, maybe...I want to be MY George Bailey! I want to make MY life better by knowing myself.

So Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year, and if it's not too bad to mix Wonderful Life with A Christmas Carol...God bless us all, every one!

Patty O'Furniture..again...

My readers will remember the Saga of the Patty O'Furniture. As you can see, everything happens for a reason! This picture shows my back yard after the gusty winds of a few nights ago. Every piece of furniture, including the swing, is now off the porch and on the ground. One thing you will notice, however, is that the table is still intact! Imagine how upsetting it would've been if I had been able to get that $300 glass patio set, only to find it smashed to smithereens in the back yard! Let this be a lesson! Follow those gut feelings...cause you just never know! =)

The Village--Part 2

Ok, so I decided to go ahead and set up the village. Here is a picture. It turned out beautifully, I think. So far, the cats have stayed off it, so I'm hopeful for the rest of the season. Took me 9 hours to get it all set up. After the devastation of the F5, I think it looks pretty darn good!

The Village

In 1999, one of the grouchiest ladies at the Library where I worked gave me a miniature house for my Christmas present. I was really excited about it for 2 reasons...one being that she didn't like too many people and I was one that she did like, and two...well, it was a miniature house! The lady that lived across the street from us at the time used to have her entire kitchen and the dividing bar area lined with little houses and people walking down the snow-covered streets...it was almost magical. Every year she would call us over to see her new building, and her new setup, and it would be more beautiful than the last one. So, I was excited, seeing as how I could now make a beautiful village to make the holiday season more festive.
The first year, I went out and bought 2, maybe 3, more buildings, and I had this little display and it was really pretty. But it just kept growing and growing, and every year I bought at least one more piece for The Village. For about 7 years, it was more elaborate and more beautiful every year. I loved it.
However, I haven't set up The Village in a couple of years now. No room in the last place, and last year I had just had surgery and everything was out in the garage. It just wasn't convenient, I guess.
So the other day, I went out to the garage and brought all the pieces up on to the front porch. I left them out there for a few days so the spiders could go find somewhere else to live.
Today, I went out and went through all the boxes and brought them all inside, ready to start setting up.
Well, as in any building project, the first thing you have to think about is location, location, location. I can't figure out where to locate The Village! No matter where I put it, I'm going to have to keep the cats out of it, or it will be like Fuzzy Godzillas vs. Charles Dickens. That's been a problem for years, though, and I got some sticky stuff to stick the little things to the table. That'll help.
So tonight, I thought, "I'm going to set it up on the dining room table and see what I have, and then I'll be able to better figure out where to put it."
The first thing I realized was that almost all of my skaters had either an arm, a leg, or a head missing. Out with the Super Glue! I was able to salvage three skaters. I was gluing the leg on a fourth, and ended up gluing the body to my middle finger! Three skaters is enough, huh? However, as I went through all the figures and the trees and tried to think of how to make a town out of them, I got really frustrated. I had to walk away...
Now, The Village is in tatters on the table. Broken bodies lie on the ground like jackstraws mixed in with gates, hedges, trees and lights. The train is off the track, and the tunnel face lies on its side, blocking the track. Only one or two buildings are standing. It is total devastation. See above picture! Instead of trying to pick up the pieces, I think maybe I will leave it.
This year's theme may be "F5 tornado devastes The Village".
I kinda like it!

Buenos Turkeys!

Coining a phrase there from my brother...Buenos turkeys! In English, that's, Happy Thanksgiving...just in case you didn't figure that one out!

Oh what a day this Thanksgiving has been! Got up late, got started late on cooking, made even later by the fact that I am TOTALLY addicted to a Facebook game called Farmville! There is nothing like growing your own coffee for fun and profit to make your life worthwhile!

Holidays are so strange. In fact, I'm getting ready now to watch an all-time classic holiday movie called "Home for the Holidays". My brother highly recommends it..I watched it once but it wasn't the holidays. I think maybe it'll come home to me a bit more now. The perfect dysfunctional family...what's the saying? We put the "fun" in "dysfunctional".

This Thanksgiving was a little stranger for me. For one, I had it at my daughter's house. She and her roommate cooked the turkey and the ham and lots of the fixins. Roomie's family brought a lot of other things to make the pitch-in complete. It was good food. So awesome to see my daughter as a grown up. Of course, afterward, she and her roommate painted eyeballs on their eyelids, which is in the picture above. My daughter is the one with the glowing yellow eyes...wow.. But it was really good fun. Kids!

The really strange thing about it is that on my way home, I got to thinking about Thanksgivings through the years. I remember ours when I was a kid. It was a great time of anticipation. Our grandparents would come down from TN and stay with us. Mema always...don't know if Bepa always came. But I remember Mema humming and cooking and bustling around the kitchen. The most wonderful woman .... wish I could be more like she was. I really miss her. But we would sit and eat too much, and then fall asleep in front of the TV with the football game on. Then of course Grandmother would come for a while and make everyone miserable, but after she left, it was usually ok.

I remember one year I spoke up at the table when we bowed our head to say grace, and said something about why did we always say it once a year when we never said it any other time. Never did quite understand that. Oh, I understand saying grace, but back then I didn't understand that just because you only speak in public to the Man Upstairs once a year, doesn't mean you don't talk to Him every single day of your life. I'm sorry, Daddy...I spoke out of turn. I was totally wrong to do that. It was never anything spectacular, but there was definitely love there, in spite of loud-mouthed teenagers like me.

I also found out that I really miss my ex-husband's family. We used to have such a great time on holidays. We would sit around and talk and then eat and then talk some more, and LAUUUUGH...so much.. then we would play games, then eat some more and talk some more, and then we would head home knowing that we had spent time with people who loved us, and people we loved. I remember one year, his sister had it at her house. I was helping wash the dishes and we were talking and laughing, and alllll these dishes kept coming through. Suddenly we realized we were washing tupperware that had had spaghetti in it. We heard hysterical laughing behind us, and turned around to find that they had taken advantage of our talking and had cleaned out the fridge! Good times.

One particularly memorable Thanksgiving, my sister fried a turkey. It didn't get done, got burned, and she finished cooking it in the oven. I can't find the picture, but it looked like we had dog for dinner. It tasted pretty good, though! Good visit. Good times.

One year, my daughter and I boarded a Greyhound and traveled 21 hours to Virginia to visit my brother and his family for Thanksgiving. That was a great trip. I hope to never do the bus thing again, but it was a good visit, good times too.

A few years ago, my sister and my mom came up here for Thanksgiving. My daughter and I cooked the first Thanksgiving dinner I had ever cooked in my life. Everything was really good. I think it might have snowed, too. Yes, again, good times.

And there is my own daughter. So proud of her. Still happy to be around me. But I left early because I know she is on her own now, and I didn't want to wear out my welcome. I was still the last one to leave, but I did help clean up! But I know she loves me, and I know her roommate loves me, and it was a good day. I pray that she will never dread me coming over, and that I may always have the wisdom to stay out of the way while she's cooking, but always help clean up.

Maybe next year I'll bring the Charades.

Just passing through...

Hi! I'm just stopping in to say hello! Today is day 42 of my quitting smoking. I've slipped a couple of times, but I know that I'm done with them. Alcohol lowers the resistance, I've noticed, but as long as I don't go out and buy any and start up again, I'm cool with that. I'm not a saint, ya know???

Anyway, life is boogie-ing on by as usual. We are 2 months away from freakin CHRISTMAS!! I can tell you right now, lots of people will be having Christmas in July from me, cause there ain't no way I'm gonna get all the stuff done I want to do.

Of course, Halloween is here and TV is totally filled with all my favorite stuff. Ghost Hunters here, Ghost Adventures there, Paranormal this and Haunted that...

My brother and sister will laugh and be happy to tell you how funny it is that I like all this spooky stuff since they, 1) had to call my mom and dad to come get me from the theater when they took me to see Phantom of the Opera, and 2) watched as I jumped up and knocked my TV tray over when the invisible man started returning and all his veins showed up.

Yes, I was a wuss. Not any more...the scarier and ghostier the better. Thing is...that kind of stuff doesn't bother me now. Stuff like 48 hours and Forensic Files..that bothers me...cause there are weirdos out there, ya know??

Oh well, anyway.....I am hanging in there, battling the melancholy that fall always brings. Such a beautiful, bittersweet time of year. Hope you are hanging in there as well!

Begging for a Living?

OK, first I want to say that this whole blog may come across as being judgmental. I apologize in advance for that. This is just something that I've thought about several times over the past few years. If you have a comment or an opinion, please feel free to leave it. First and foremost, PLEASE realize that I am thankful for my job!! I don't want anyone to think otherwise.

Seems like there is a trend that kinda comes and goes around here. It usually starts in the spring, and then you don't see it so much. Then it starts up again around this time of year, fall.
It's people who stand on street corners asking for money. There is one guy who every single day when I go home is sitting waiting on the bus, and when the light changes, he goes up to the first car in line and asks for money or cigarettes. I know this because he's asked me for both. Now, I pull up to the light and roll up my window. This guy, in my opinion, is just bumming for the sake of bumming (I of course could be wrong...but...). He is not the type of person I am talking about.
The person I am talking about usually has a coat on, and a suitcase beside him. (I will say him in the general sense meaning him/her. Trying to be politically correct here.) Sometimes he will have his dog beside him, and I always feel bad for the dog. Invariably he will have a sign made of cardboard with the "reason" he is on the corner scrawled in marker in what looks like child's writing. Sometimes it will say "homeless and hungry". Some others are "laid off can't work", "if you can't give, pray for me", or the very simple, "please help". Some of the people look like they've been through hard times. They look dirty and tired, and their clothes are tattered. Even their sign is tattered sometimes. I feel sorry for them, but I still don't give. Why?
Because for every one of the legitimate down-and-outers you see, there is most likely one who is only pretending to be down-and-out.
I think I saw one of these the other day. She was at the corner of one of the major department stores, squatting down, with the cardboard in front of her eyes to keep out the sun. The sign said "even a penny helps. please pray for me". I stopped at the light and I had time to look at her. Her hair was clean, her jeans were clean, her shoes looked clean, she had on a clean shirt and a nice little gym bag on the ground beside her. Even the cardboard looked new. And I wondered...does she really need help? There have been others too..and unfortunately there is no time to stop and ask these people exactly why they are there, and to try to get to the truth. Are they needy or not?
Now, before you think I'm just being downright mean, let me say that there was a time when I was out of work, not homeless but nearly so, and I used to pick up Coke bottles to turn in for the deposit to get cigarettes and maybe a hamburger from McDonalds. I was not above holding my hand out to people and asking, "spare change?" I even ate part of a Gaines Burger once (that's dog food for those of you who don't know). It was either that or braunschweiger sausage, and even starving I wouldn't eat that! So I know what it's like. I also know what it's like to get tired of it and slink back to McDonalds with my tail between my legs and ask for my job back. Or any job. I know there aren't a lot of jobs out there right now. I am hanging on to mine for dear life, even though I can barely make the rent most months. I work hard for what little money I get, and if I have spare change, how can I be sure that my "investment" in that guy on the corner isn't contributing to a large tax-free income? Seriously!
If you are interested, go to a search engine sometime and type in "begging for a living". You will find information on there about people who make up to $50,000 a year just begging on the street corners. That's enough to give one pause.
This man who asks for help has enough gumption to go stand on the corner for hours at a time, in all kinds of weather, you wonder...if he walked from store to store to store asking, wouldn't one of them give him a job? I don't know..
And that's what I'm saying...how can you be sure? I suppose I could just give each one a nickel or a dime, since "even a penny helps", but I wonder, what happens to me?
Am I being selfish? Greedy? Not allowing myself to reap the blessings of giving away money? I don't know. All I know is that right now it is Tuesday. My gas tank is nearly empty, and I don't get paid til Friday. I have $3 and change in my car ashtray. I will need that change, because gas is so expensive and even that probably will just barely get me through till Friday morning.
I honestly don't know. And I honestly want opinions about this. I don't look at these people with disdain, or look down on them. Maybe I'm too lazy to have a job like theirs. I don't know if I could stand on the street corner like that or not. I look at them and wonder, and wish I had more time to talk to them, and pray for them if they ask for it, and pray that I may never be in the situation to find out what they are going through.
There, but for the Grace of God, go I.

3 weeks down

Well, here I am! 3 weeks and not one cigarette! I really can't believe that I've made it without cheating myself one time. It's kind of interesting. I found that the only time I really really miss it is when I get in the car to drive home from work. So I have little paper straws to hold and that makes me feel better. I'm going to a party next Saturday, and I will be drinking some wine, I'm sure, so I'm hoping that I will be able to get through that without smoking. I have friends who have said they will support me. Whether that means not letting me smoke that night, or making sure I don't continue to smoke afterward...well, either way is fine with me. Thing is, I can breathe now. I smelled my perfume an hour after I put it on for the first time since I don't know when. I do have weird dreams...that's the Chantix..plus I always had weird dreams anyway. But I found that I have time now to do things around the house that would've been put off because I would've been smoking. Something that my support group (Chantix support group) says is..if it takes you 6 minutes to smoke one cigarette, and you smoke a pack a day, that's 2 HOURS you have spent in a day smoking! That was amazing to me.

Anyway, I'm doing great, got new shoes so I can walk better, started eating better, my house is coming together. It's great!

I'm still lonely, though..lol..had to throw that in there. But I'm a lot more comfortable than I was before. I suppose eventually I'll get over being lonely. Right now, I'm trying to learn to like being with myself. Trying to get my shit together before I'm too old to have any shit!

It's sad that we don't allow ourselves to enjoy the good things in our lives because we are afraid of the bad things that "might" happen. Don't know if that's Christian teaching or Murphy's law or what. But it is nice to pat myself on the back today and say...I did it! I'm going to try to keep my chins up and look forward to good things, and pray that they will come to not just me, but to my family and friends as well. I couldn't have come this far without you and I love you all!

Now, off to another week of work, and another week of not smoking..and maybe lose a pound or two! It really is a mindset..but oh so hard to get to... I have some words of wisdom spoken by that great prophet Anthony DiNozzo on NCIS:

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.

Do something different today!