Stripes

Stripes...Bill Murray...loser joins Army...saves the world. BUT,before he saves the world, he drives a taxi cab in New York City. He quits his job, but remembers the pizza and his girlfriend's dry cleaning. Unfortunately, everything gets dropped and dirty, when he gets home and his car is being repossessed, the pizza sticks to the box top, the dry cleaning gets dirty and his girlfriend has had it. She leaves. He flops on the couch and says, "..and then, depression set in."


This is how I have been feeling lately. I survived not just one but two total knee replacement surgeries. I am recovering just fine. But I have fallen back into an old thinking pattern that I thought I had a handle on long ago.

In my dreams lately (when I sleep long enough to dream!) I am running. I am playing games in the yard with my daughter. But the main thing is, my dreams match my life in that there is NO PAIN. Then I wake up. The pain in my knees is minimal. But when I'm awake, I realize the truth. I will have to lose alot of weight before I will ever be able to run. So nothing has really changed yet. This is the same reason I was never able to make myself lose weight before. I felt like I would go through all the weight loss and nothing would change. I would still be the same inside. So, I've had this surgery, and I have no more excuses. I can walk, I can exercise, I can do the things that will really and truly change my life. I am scared to death, I really am.

It's not that I feel like I'm horrible inside or anything. I think I'm pretty damn awesome and I'm really proud of myself that I have overcome the handicap of being fat AND mostly crippled to get as far as I have in life. I have it in me to be everything I am meant to be if I'll just get off the couch and do it.

But right now, I'm flopped on the couch with Bill feeling sorry for myself and wondering if all the plants are gonna die. I'm not sure how I will handle it. I can't join the Army. I can't quit my job and do something else in this troubled time. I have the house I've always wanted, my daughter is getting herself together, my cats love me...what more do I need? A man? Not right now. Not till I get past all this, because I know how easy it is for me to slip right back into the "nothing matters" part of my psyche.

So...how will I handle it? I will wash a few dishes. I will take the trash out to the curb. I will walk (slowly and carefully) down the basement steps and do my laundry. I will fix something decent to eat. I will get up, go to work, and I will walk without limping. Then maybe I'll feel more able to make a screen for my back door, dig up the dead bush in the front yard and plant my lilac bush, pull the weeds in the flower bed and plant some bulbs for next year. One step, one day at a time.

Get off the couch with me, Billy Boy. We are off to save the world....eventually.