I'd rather have a root canal

Steve Martin in Little Shop of Horrors

When I was young and just a bad little kid,
My momma noticed funny things I did.
Like shootin' puppies with a BB-Gun.
I'd poison guppies, and when I was done,
I'd find a pussy-cat and bash in it's head.
That's when my momma said...
(What did she say?)
She said my boy I think someday
You'll find a way
To make your natural tendencies pay...

You'll be a dentist

.
You have a talent for causing things pain!
Son, be a dentist

.
People will pay you to be inhumane!

You're temperament's wrong for the priesthood,
And teaching would suit you still less.
Son, be a dentist.
You'll be a success!

So...this is the way I have thought about dentists ever since a certain unnamed asshole gave me 13 shots and even when I didn't get numb, drilled away! Before that, I was never scared of the dentist. Dr Robertson was sooo handsome, and he always said..Oh! There's that mean old Karen again! It wasn't an ordeal. Just something that had to be done. And afterwards, we got suckers!!! Keep 'em comin back!
However, Dr Jones, we shall call him, wasn't handsome, nor did he particularly care that I wasn't numb. He just kept shooting and drilling. Kinda like boot camp? Anyway, after that day I have been terrified of dentists. This is quite obvious if you look at my molars. I only have 4 left. The rest have had to be pulled because they got so bad they couldn't be fixed. I had neither the desire nor the money to do that, so I had them yanked. Each time I would go in a white-knuckled wreck and come out thinking...wow..that wasn't so bad. I might even make an appointment to go back. But I wouldn't.
This time, though, I had a choice. Dr B said I needed a root canal pretty soon. I put it off for as long as I could, but it started hurting sometimes, so I set an appointment. The closer it got, the more nervous I got. I found out how much it was going to cost. I decided to just get it pulled. My sister, bless her, said I should probably try to save the tooth and offered to help pay for the crown to keep it in my head. So I decided to go ahead with it. (As it turned out, she didn't have to help, so that was cool)
Today was the day.
I think it helps to tell the receptionist that you are scared. When the dentist, who is quite handsome, by the way, came in, he said he had heard I was "a little nervous" and promptly shot me up with a double dose of anesthetic. I won't feel the left side of my face til tomorrow! Even my NOSE is numb! I told him I couldn't believe how scared I was. After all, just a year ago I had a doctor cut both of my leg bones off and stick metal stuff in their place. I don't think I was this scared then.
I think it's because I didn't see it, you know? After all, when a dentist is in your mouth, well, he's right in your face! He had said I wouldn't have to do anything..maybe hold a tooth or something. I think he was kidding, but still... When I had my knee surgery, I didn't have to hold my freakin kneecap so the doc could pound the metal into my leg, ya know??? Plus I was totally asleep and dreaming of a happy place. Whatever happened to gassing patients??
Anyway, today I was numb, for sure, and he put this rubber dam thingy in my mouth and laid the chair back, pulled down those weird little magnifying glasses and started drilling. He had two hands in my mouth...the dental assistant had two hands in my mouth, and I felt like I had been abducted by aliens!
If they could ever make a drill that didn't make noise or vibrate your head or smell like something burning, people wouldn't mind going to the dentist so much. Someone should work on that! In fact, if it hadn't been for all the noise and stuff, I probably would've fallen asleep, because I almost did as it was! I just kept closing my eyes and waiting for something to hurt.
All in all, it wasn't a terrible experience. My hands were as numb as my face because I was clenching them so tightly. But it didn't hurt, and I'm very thankful for that. He wouldn't give me drugs, though.oh well...
My brother said once that teeth were not one of God's better creations. I tend to agree. They are necessary, though, and with a dentist like mine, I plan on taking better care of the ones that remain.
But I can tell you this...next time someone wants me to do something I really really really don't want to do, I can honestly say, "I'd rather have a root canal".

Falling Out of Bed 101 – Learn how in 40 steps!

1. Buy a wonderful new bed!
2. Get a great night’s sleep.
3. Reach over to the nightstand to answer the call from your sister.
4. Roll over and fall 3 ½ feet to the floor and land on your $100,000 knees.
5. Cuss
6. Try to get foot untangled from sheet. Rip a hole in your brand-new sheet.
7. Cuss
8. Try to stand up and talk on the phone at the same time.
9. Cuss
10. Tell sister you will call her back. Hang up.
11. Cuss
12. Take a deep breath and get under control.
13. Lay down on your belly and begin scooting backwards to the end of the bed.
14. Get elbow untangled from the extension cord on the floor.
15. Cuss
16. Ignore the fact that your nightgown is now up around your armpits.
17. Scoot, Cuss, Scoot
18. Realize you really have to pee.
19. Cuss
20. Get to the end of the bed. Try to get up on your knees.
21. Scream because they hurt…you just FELL on them, idiot!
22. Ignore the fact that the cats are all staring at you.
23. Cuss at the damn cats.
24. Try to remember how you got up when you fell down on the back porch last year.
25. Put right foot back, slip on carpet.
26. Cuss
27. Put right foot back again, then put left foot back.
28. Dig painful ingrown toenails into carpet.
29. Cuss
30. Raise up on elbows, then to palms.Walk legs up toward hands.
31. Stand up, run to bathroom before you wet your pants.
32. Cuss
33. Call frantic sister back. Assure her that you are ok. Hang up.
34. Cuss
35. Cry
36. Cuss
37. Make sure everything is still moving correctly.
38. Laugh
39. Cuss
40. Do not repeat!

I'm a chicken

I have a friend who asked me to set up an account on a dating site so she could see who was on there from her town. She's married...was just curious...but she didn't feel it would be right to put herself on there. So I agreed. I thought I would go ahead (since I was setting up the account anyway) and write a nice profile paragraph, and put a nice picture of myself to just see what happened. That was about 2 weeks ago. I have now deleted my account.
I have several reasons for deleting the account. Mainly it is because I received about 5 emails from "interested" men. Every single one of them said hi. do you have any more pictures? ARRRRRGH!!!!! Hell no, I don't have any more pictures! If I'd had more pictures I would've posted them you friggin idiot!!! Read my damn profile!
I understand that men and women are wired differently. That's cool. I can deal with that. But before the internet had pictures, people actually had to IM each other for a while before finding out what the other looked like. I'll have to admit there were some surprises with some of the ones that I met..ohhhh yeah...lol. I imagine some of them were surprised too. But at least we knew a little bit about each other.
I did get in touch with one fellow that seemed to be really nice. Very articulate. He can actually spell! I talked to him online for a couple of hours today. He said he has problems with women because he has "old fashioned ideas about dating". After our extended conversation, I have come to realize that he is controlling and wants a submissive woman. NOOO WAY! Not for me. I am too set in my ways to put up with that kind of crap. Now I will admit that I might be wrong. But I believe my impression is correct. After all, I'm obviously not the only one who has had that impression.
So I decided rather than put my effort into trying to find someone else to talk to, I'll just continue to do what I'm doing. Maybe one of these days I'll run into someone at the gas station and he'll be the right one. Maybe he'll offer to buy me coffee or a pair of gloves...
I don't know..it's really hard to think about being with someone. When I got married I was young and relatively in shape. We kinda grew up together. But what happens when you are with someone new at my age? How do you get past the fact that your boobs point to the floor and there are weird black hairs that show up overnight on your chin? What about those weird hairs that show up on your BOOBS??? How do you know when it's ok to fart in their presence? How am I going to sit and pluck hairs while watching 24 if there is someone sitting there beside me? How long does it take to get that comfortable? What about my toenails? OMG! I'd have to go get my toes removed before I could even take my shoes off in front of him! And then...IF we took time to get to know each other and IF things kinda went in that direction...eventually he would want to *gulp* have s-e-x.. YIKES!! The very idea of getting naked in front of a man makes me break out in a cold sweat and feel like I'm gonna fart! I just can't imagine. It would be so sad to see a grown man run screaming down the street.
No more dating sites for me. I have in my imagination the kind of guy I'm looking for. Maybe someday he'll come along. If not, I'm cool with that. I just can't see making myself miserable just to have a man around when I have worked so hard to make myself UN-miserable without one. Just doesn't make sense to me.
So, my friend may not have been able to see who in her hometown is looking for a woman. If she did, and she knows any of them, maybe she'll introduce us. If not, she'll have to set up her own account. I'm not going through that again. I titled this "I'm a chicken" but I don't think that's true. I think I'm just wiser than I used to be, and I'm cool by myself.
Where the hell are my tweezers????