14 days post op

I lived! I made it through the surgery and fought my way to near sanity and now am enduring the post operative joy of constant aching and physical therapy! Hooray for me!
Actually things have been pretty good. Yesterday was a bad day...maybe because it was the 13th day? Don't know if I really believe all that, but I was depressed and feeling really helpless. Today is better, even though it's one of those wonderful dreary Indiana days where the sun doesn't shine and it won't rain. Like Narnia...always winter, never Christmas.
So, what does it feel like to suddenly have the possibility of making my life better? Making it everything I've always dreamed of? Scary as hell, that's how it feels! It's like quitting smoking and getting hit by a bus. What if I have gone through this and then I have a heart attack? What if I try to make my life better and it stays the same? So many things can go wrong...but then again, so many things can go right too. In my upbringing, I think I was taught to look at the half-empty glass. I try to look at the half-full glass, but more and more I'm just thankful I have a glass at all.
So, I'm trying to just get my act together, and trying to be patient because there are things I want to do but still can't. Now I'm going to go put my leg up and watch Harry Potter for the Umpteenth time. More to come!

Time has come today...er...tomorrow...

Doing much better today. Yesterday (and most of today) was like a lesson in steel-will. I will NOT smoke, I will NOT cry, I will NOT get anything done because all I can think of is the things I can NOT do! lol
oh well. Tomorrow is D-day, or S-day or SSDD...no..not that!...Surgery day. This poor soul and the two ladies taking care of me are going to have to drag our butts out of bed at 5:00 AM and get to the hospital by 6, where they will fill me full of all kinds of drugs, mark on my leg, ask me my name 50 times and then knock me out and make me bionic! *fanfare please*
I'm nervous about it, but I'm ok, ya know? Like I've said, I've been through it before and everything is great. If it's even half as good as the one I've had done already, it will be better than now. I didn't realize how much pain I used to be in. BOTH my knees used to feel like this!!!
Ok, so I bid my faithful few readers adieu for at least 2 weeks. I shall return.

Sunday....

Here it is...Sunday...I'm at two days now, my arthritis medicine has worn off completely, I haven't had a cigarette since yesterday at noon. Maybe I really shouldn't even talk right now.
I'm hanging in there, let's just leave it at that! Happy Sunday!

4 days to blastoff!

It's Thursday. I have 2 more days to work, 2 weekend days to get everything together, and then it's time for a new knee! This is the second one, so I guess I haven't been too upset about it. But today when I was driving home from work, I started thinking about how it would be to try to drive. (It's my right knee...thank God for automatic trannys!) That got me thinking about all the things leading up to the actual surgery, and all of a sudden I was scared shitless.
I had one of those heart-stopping moments that made me realize how things can always go wrong, and what about my daughter, and what have I left this world to remember me by?
I have paintings that will be finally famous, a book that will be published partially finished, poems that have been rejected that will be compiled into a bunch of Hallmark cards.
Not really a good thing to think about I guess, but maybe it is. After all, it does happen to us all eventually. And I want to see the fruits of my labors. So my New Year's resolution...3 months late...is that once I'm healed up, I am going to start figuring out how to get my stuff out there. Maybe I'll publish that book. Or maybe I'll just put it here on this blog. Someone will read it. If people who read it enjoy it...isn't that the whole point? Sure, I'd like to make money from it, but hey...it's tough out there for authors. Although I know what I've written is better than some of the crap I've read!
And my paintings....they are really really good. I've sold some... and someday that person will be able to say, oh yeah, I've got 6 originals, they are worth $100,000 a piece. Now that is a nice thought.
We all want to leave our mark on this world. We have kids and hope that they have better lives than we did. We do all we can but eventually they are on their own and make their own choices. They are ours, but they are not ours forever.
The words I put on paper or on here are mine. Even if someone steals them, they are still mine. The paintings I do, the drawings, they are mine. My heart and soul put down on paper for all to see. These things are me.
Sometime maybe I'll get some of the paintings posted on here. I took pictures, ya know? Then the reader may judge for himself. Till then..let's all look inside and think...
I have a life-changing event happening to me in 5 days. What will I do with my life on day 6 to make it happier, to make it mine? Will I carry on in the same-shit-different-day life I live now, or will I start taking steps to change my little corner of the world?
As for me, I have my art stuff ready and my fingers limbered up.
I'm gonna rock my own world!

COUNTDOWN!

Friday, March 6,2009
Don't know if it's a day that will live in infamy, but it's the countdown to March 17, which is the day I get my right knee replaced. I'm really excited about it. Trying to get things done around the house that will make life easier when I'm a gimp! Since I've already had the surgery once on the other leg, I know what to expect. I know it's gonna hurt like hell, and the drugs will be really good so I won't care. I also know that 5 or 6 months from now I will feel like a new person!
So here I am, going along anticipating surgery like it was a trip to the Bahamas. I WILL have 6 weeks off work, so that's a good thing..really sad to have to have surgery to get a vacay! But it's all good.

I'm doing pretty well on my own in my empty nest. I kinda like it, but I still don't seem to know what to do with myself. Tonight I am rearranging the living room furniture, and who knows what I'll do tomorrow? I guess whatever I want!

Beautiful day here in Indianapolis. The cats are enjoying the front porch, I'm enjoying the fresh air blowing through the house. Maybe spring is actually on its way. Although we usually get one more good snow and/or ice storm before winter finally gives up the ghost and lets spring ...well, spring!

Empty Nesting, continued (just a little...)

I went to my daughter's "crib" last night. She and her roommate were so excited for me to go over there, and I'm really glad I did! It took me 20 minutes to get there, and I had to walk up 15 or so stairs on my bum knees but it was well worth the effort. They have turned this little apartment into a leopard/giraffe/elephant paradise! It is so cozy and smells so good. (candle freaks-both!) and the feeling that came over me as I sat in their easy chair was peace and comfort, and somehow a sense of "right". I sat there thinking that I am really finally ready to let her go. (But still thanking God that she's only 20 min away!) I'm also thankful she has a roommate that has a good head on her shoulders too. They are good for each other. They keep each other motivated and in line....well, somewhat! lol. I love her roommate almost like my own daughter.
Then they cooked for me! Imagine that! I was sitting at the dining room table watching my little grown-up girl cooking her first dinner in her first apartment. It was an amazing sight! I waited around a little and visited after dinner, but then I needed to come home. I came in and was greeted by 3 hungry cats and a messy house that I love, and felt once again, peaceful and right.

My darling daughter, I am so very proud of you and I love you more than I can say!