Checkup

Had my 8, 9, 10...some week..checkup yesterday. It was a really good one. I don't have to go back to Dr. B for 3 months and if everything is ok then...never again...well, for 20 years or so anyway! I had him show me my first x rays. The ones he took way back in July 2008 when he gave me that terrible news that I was going to have to have surgery..and not just on one, on both! I cried all day. I was so scared! But now, almost a year later, I walk without pain! Anyway, back to the x rays. It was amazing to see those knees all bone-on-bone and bent inward. I was all knock-kneed and crooked and didn't even realize it. Then he showed me my knees now. It was amazing! They are even and straight and, well, titanium...but they are no longer bowed inward. I walk straight now. I hardly ever spill my coffee at work when I'm walking back to my desk. It is an awesome thing. I thought for years that I would never be able to live a day without pain again. Even though my knees still have aches in the muscles cause they are both still healing, it's not PAIN...it's not "oh God let me sit down before I pass out" pain. It's not "sweating-with-the-effort-of-just-standing" pain. It's just pain that will get better. I'm so happy I got brave enough to go ahead and have the surgeries. I have $100,000 knees now! lol. So, for insurance, I am also VERY thankful! So...I have to get off the computer now. I have clothes to wash (in the basement!) and trash to take out, and just walkin' around the house to do! TTFN!

Better Now

Ah, faithful readers...thank you for allowing me the little backslide into depression on Sunday. I am grateful I was able to share what was in my heart. Now, I am grateful to be able to share the brighter side of this life.
After spending all day yesterday sitting on the couch (I think Bill was off in Boot Camp..) and thinking of all the things that have come and gone, I have come out the other side into the sunlight! This is totally cool because A) that's where I need to be and B) since it only took a couple of days to get back, that means that I didn't slip so far back after all! This is a GOOD thing!
At work, things are pretty much SSDD..mergers, acquisitions, insurance companies, please hold for the next available representative, etc. So, we won't talk about work here today.
Home, on the other hand, has improved dramatically in just a few days. I have done some things over the weekend that I never thought I'd be able to do. I walked around Walmart for an hour, walked around Kroger for an hour, and today I walked around Aldis for 1/2 hour. I had enough stamina to do this and still come home and put up the groceries! This is an accomplishment! This is the beginning of saving the world! I bought pansies, petunias, geraniums and they are sitting on my porch in the sunshine giving off life and beauty and bringing me happiness every time I look at them.
The dishes are washed, and I am going to make something deeeeelishus for dinner!
Even though two days ago, I felt really down and depressed, by the middle of the day yesterday (I took a "mental-health" day....translation: called in sick) I was beginning to see the good things that are happening to me.
Rome wasn't built in a day, and I won't get to where I want to be in a day. But I'm on my way now because I know I can do this! I can make my life worthwhile, and overcome the negative feelings that I have had in the past.
So, Billy Boy, you go off and save the world. I am going to stay here and BUILD a world. It's gonna be faaaaaaaantastic!

Stripes

Stripes...Bill Murray...loser joins Army...saves the world. BUT,before he saves the world, he drives a taxi cab in New York City. He quits his job, but remembers the pizza and his girlfriend's dry cleaning. Unfortunately, everything gets dropped and dirty, when he gets home and his car is being repossessed, the pizza sticks to the box top, the dry cleaning gets dirty and his girlfriend has had it. She leaves. He flops on the couch and says, "..and then, depression set in."


This is how I have been feeling lately. I survived not just one but two total knee replacement surgeries. I am recovering just fine. But I have fallen back into an old thinking pattern that I thought I had a handle on long ago.

In my dreams lately (when I sleep long enough to dream!) I am running. I am playing games in the yard with my daughter. But the main thing is, my dreams match my life in that there is NO PAIN. Then I wake up. The pain in my knees is minimal. But when I'm awake, I realize the truth. I will have to lose alot of weight before I will ever be able to run. So nothing has really changed yet. This is the same reason I was never able to make myself lose weight before. I felt like I would go through all the weight loss and nothing would change. I would still be the same inside. So, I've had this surgery, and I have no more excuses. I can walk, I can exercise, I can do the things that will really and truly change my life. I am scared to death, I really am.

It's not that I feel like I'm horrible inside or anything. I think I'm pretty damn awesome and I'm really proud of myself that I have overcome the handicap of being fat AND mostly crippled to get as far as I have in life. I have it in me to be everything I am meant to be if I'll just get off the couch and do it.

But right now, I'm flopped on the couch with Bill feeling sorry for myself and wondering if all the plants are gonna die. I'm not sure how I will handle it. I can't join the Army. I can't quit my job and do something else in this troubled time. I have the house I've always wanted, my daughter is getting herself together, my cats love me...what more do I need? A man? Not right now. Not till I get past all this, because I know how easy it is for me to slip right back into the "nothing matters" part of my psyche.

So...how will I handle it? I will wash a few dishes. I will take the trash out to the curb. I will walk (slowly and carefully) down the basement steps and do my laundry. I will fix something decent to eat. I will get up, go to work, and I will walk without limping. Then maybe I'll feel more able to make a screen for my back door, dig up the dead bush in the front yard and plant my lilac bush, pull the weeds in the flower bed and plant some bulbs for next year. One step, one day at a time.

Get off the couch with me, Billy Boy. We are off to save the world....eventually.

Life is what happens....

Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans. - John Lennon

So...I was making other plans. My house was a disaster area because I was still recuperating from knee surgery. But I didn't care. I knew it was going to get better. I knew that eventually I would feel good enough to get up off my ever-expanding ass and do something about it.

But life happens, and now my daughter has moved back home. The house is worse than a disaster! There is stuff everywhere and now it looks like we just moved in. I have decided not to stress about it, and am trying to come up with "other plans" so that it will end up being a good time for us two grown-ups to spend together. Not to mention it's like starting from scratch and it's time to rearrange furniture!

First of all, let me say that I am not upset that my daughter has moved back. She tried so hard, but she was really doing it all on her own. Her roommate was, unfortunately, unable to find work. Then the person they were renting the apartment from decided she didn't want that to happen anymore and basically kicked them out. So my daughter is back, and SHE is upset about it. But I think everyone knows that it's the best thing to do. It is temporary and we both know it.

Second, I know it's going to be difficult for her now that she has had that taste of freedom to be back home living with mom. I am planning on staying out of her business as much as I possibly can, and I am planning on continuing on with my "plans" to start crafting and painting, just like I was before. I NEED to do that! I need to make things, to make clothes for myself, and crafts for people to buy. I am hoping that this bump in the road will be just that...a molehill, not a mountain.

Third, I'm glad to have the time this summer for the two of us to maybe get this house in shape so that when she leaves next time, I won't be so overwhelmed with the things that need to be done. Seems like everything was such a rush last time when she moved, we didn't get a lot of things finished. So, with her helping me a little, I will feel much better about things when she moves the next time.

So all in all it's a good thing. And if it's not, well, I'm determined to MAKE it a good thing. Because this is life...the plans are still there, but life is happening now. Thanks, John, for those words of wisdom.

Red-Letter Day

Today was a big day for me! I went back to work for 4 hours. Surprised my boss and everyone else by coming back early. I think they were glad to see me! lol I also did my own laundry. Now that doesn't sound like much, but when you think that I have to walk down 15 stairs to the basement AND walk back up too...well, it's a big deal! Also, my daughter came over and we had a little cookout and visited for a while. It was a really nice time.

SCARY....

Addendum to earlier post (please read that one first...)

Just as an experiment, I went ahead and logged into a yahoo chat room or two. I was immediately accosted by instant messages ( a total of 20) from females wanting to show me their naked bodies on their webcams. I ran like a scared rabbit. Back to solitaire.....

What happened to internet chatrooms?

I watched "You've Got Mail" the other night. I love that movie, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. It always makes me a little nostalgic, though. It is based on the early days of chat, meeting people online, most of whom could spell the word "you" instead of just putting "u". (Obviously a pet peeve of mine..lol) But I will get to that in a moment...
When I began my journey on the internet, most people were in the same position I was. It was new, different. It was 1996 and I was looking for something to fill my lonely nights while my ex was ...well, filling HIS nights. Anyway, I found a chat room through one of the few internet providers in Indiana, and immediately was hooked. Everyone had "handles" instead of names, well, except me...I was Karen and that was that! But we became friends. We talked to each other, had "virtual parties", even met Mr or Ms Right several times. But the main thing was, there was conversation. Current events, sex, advice, and just plain "chillin" were going on in that chatroom 24/7...well, maybe not every night. Most of us were grownups with jobs and families, but we were friends. In fact, I met my best friend in that chatroom. We've been friends for 13 years, we work together, and I can't say that I have another friend in the world that I've been friends with for that long. The reason? We got to know each other by communicating. She met her husband in that chatroom. It was an awesome time. There were no pictures. Most of us didn't have a clue what we were doing. But the prospect (at least to me) of having friends all over the state was just an enormous boost to my morale. We even got together for meetings at a centrally located restaurant, and had parties at our houses. It was great!
Fast forward to 2008...would say 2009, but I haven't bothered this year...
If you want to find a chat room like the one I've described, you have to pay for the privilege of using it. Most of the time they are attached to some sort of matchmaking system, and I'll be quite honest with you....I'm not going to pay $200 a year to be rejected when I can be rejected for free! I've toyed with the idea of re-joining a site that used to be free, just to be able to chat like that again, but unfortunately my finances don't allow that right now.
So, if you don't pay for the privilege of being matched and then being able to actually talk to your matches, you are SOL. So, I have tried public chatrooms, such as Yahoo, and here is what you see when you get into one of those:

Karen: Hello Room!
mrbigdong: hey a/s/l (age, sex, location)
letsdoit: hi karen, wanna f***?
brandy: SEE MY DIRTY PICTURES AT www..... (whatever)

Then you will almost immediately get some kind of instant message asking the same questions and if you DO end up with someone actually wanting to talk, they can't speak in complete sentences, or they will talk to you for an hour and then want to get together to f***. It's really really sad. I even went into a game room once that had chatting, and was waiting for a partner to play Cribbage, someone joined the table and started in on all this stuff, and when I said I was there to play Cribbage, he left the conversation. I was amazed.

Anyway, I know things change, but when I watch that movie, I remember that feeling that somewhere out there, just a few clicks and words away is someone I might be able to connect with. Someone I can talk to and get to know without paying a fortune, without having to fight off the predators. Surely there is... As Meg Ryan says in the movie, just the possibility of being in love....

So, what was once a social network for me has again become a solitary way to pass the time. I long for those "olden days" but I know they are gone for good.

However, I might try again....I could use a good laugh.

Vacation's almost over...*sigh*

What a shame to have to have surgery to have a vacation. But it's been a good time for me. I have killed two birds with one stone! I have,of course, this brand new knee and a new lease on life with that.But I also have had the opportunity to get used to being by myself. My daughter has been going through some things of her own, not to mention she works all the time, so she hasn't been as "available" as she wanted to. Of course, she was here the first week, but after that, I pretty much had to be on my own. I'll admit, I nearly went crazy a couple of times, just because I was bored silly. I called her one day and had her come by on her way home from work to just give me a hug! lol. She was happy to oblige.
Mostly, though, I've been here by myself. It has given me the chance to look at my life and the direction I want it to go. I don't know that I'll ever be much of a social butterfly, but at least when I'm here by myself (after I heal up a little more), I'll be able to do some projects that I've put off for so long.
Making a quilt for my bed
Making bunny rabbits to sell (cloth ones, not furry ones!)
Painting, drawing, generally letting the artistic side of me flooooooow...

There will be no reason to be bored. And if I get the chance to get out sometimes, well that's a bonus! I don't think I'll be looking for a man any time soon. I need to get to know myself a little better. My ex-husband's mother got remarried at the tender age of 65, so there is time....barring the proverbial bus accident, of course.

So now I am thinking of going back to work. Starting to get my clothes together so they can be washed and ready. I drove yesterday and it went great, so that's not going to be a problem. My doctor's appointment is Monday and he will give me the go-ahead to go to my sit-down job, I'm sure. I'm off the pain meds, finished with physical therapy...time to rejoin the human race. I know my boss will be thrilled since she has had to do my job for the past 5 weeks on top of her own. Besides, they miss me..lol

Life should be different now. Not clouded by pain, not everything I do or want to do weighed against how much it will hurt. No excuses. Wow...send me back! lol Look out world! Here I come!

Should've seen it coming...

I KNEW IT!!! I should've seen this coming a mile away, but denial isn't just a river in Egypt, baby! I knew I needed a nap. Have had a nap every day for one blissful hour for the past 3 weeks. But not today. Today my nap was wonderfully interrupted by my daughter the cook. She came armed with chicken and ribs and steak and all kinds of other delicious food. So I helped her, of course. I chopped onions, peppers, husked corn, and basically acted like a normal human being. Pretty soon the house (and the whole street, from what I was told) was filled with the aroma of shish kebobs and corn and just general YUM! We started at 2:00, and around 6 hours later we finally ate. Why did we wait so long? Well, there were friends involved. My daughter's friends who were here and then left and then came back. We waited on them, cause we are nice folks, right? yes we are. Finally had to eat something, and oh my goodness it was deeeeeelishus!
Now the problem, after the food we all sat around and talked till my daughter left at 11:30. By then I was exhausted, my knee hurt, my back hurt, and I realized that I hadn't had a piece of ice on my leg for probably 12 hours. So now it's 3AM and I can't sleep. Aching and stressing because I'm aching....I hate being up at night with pain. Where's the morphine pump when ya need it huh?
So I'm miserable physically, but my heart is light because my daughter was here with her friends, and we shared a wonderful time together to celebrate Easter one day late.
My PT guy would be not so happy with me, and yes, I should've seen it coming a mile away. But it was worth every minute and I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

Better every day

Oh boy am I hurting! lol However, it is a really good hurting, if you know what I mean. Yesterday my daughter took me to Walmart. She helped me down the couple of steps at the house, brought me out a little riding cart when we got there, and for over an hour (and $119.00) I tore up the aisles at Wally world! Oh what a wonderful time! The walls had begun to close in on me, and I swear, I can't believe how much I pay for the joke of Cable TV! But I got some easy to fix food, and some fruit and stuff and now I feel able to face the next couple of weeks stuck in the house. Monday is the exception, I get to go out and see the doctor and get these damnable staples out of my leg! I'm beginning to feel like a zipper. It will be great to get them out.

Of course, last night, I couldn't sleep, I was in a great deal of pain and almost regretting going out at all. But the good totally outweighs the bad. Makes me think of how much freedom I will have once this knee heals. I won't hurt anymore...at least not like I have. What a thought!

I can't wait to dance the Electric Slide again.

There is actually sunshine in Indiana today. I might make it out to the porch this afternoon and enjoy a little of the fresh air. Some of the trees are blooming already and spring is definitely on its way. My heart is filled with hope for the future, despite the downturn in the economy and other things happening that are beyond my control. I'm determined to keep a good thought and believe that all will come out right in the end.